


More Than Ever

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Chan, Drama, Incest, M/M, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Slash, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-05
Updated: 2005-09-10
Packaged: 2018-10-01 01:35:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10177667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: A Beyond Redemption Side-Fic detailing the healing of one Severus Snape. Set directly after the events in Chapter 43 of BR. [Part 1/3]





	1. Part 1/3

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

** More Than Ever **   
**_A Beyond Redemption Side-Story_ **   
_By CS WhiteWolf_

\- - -

For this Story:

**Rating(s)** : NC-17 Rated.  
 **Pairing(s)** : Remus Lupin/Severus Snape; Mentions of Tobias Snape (father)/Severus Snape (son).  
 **Warning(s)** : Mentions of Solvent Abuse, Trichotillomania, Self-Harm (Scratching), Attempted Suicide and Sexual Abuse (Rape/Non-Con/Chan).

**A/N** : Set directly after the events of [Chapter 43](http://www.hpfandom.net/eff/viewstory.php?sid=4188&i=1), if you have not read up to that chapter of Beyond Redemption this story will not make much sense- think of this as being ‘the next chapter’ to that one. This side-fic was written to detail what I personally like to dub ‘the healing of Severus Snape’ and will (roughly) be updated with the corresponding chapters in the BR timeline. Some of you may also note the similarity in title to my other BR side-fic ‘[More Than Words](http://www.hpfandom.net/eff/viewstory.php?sid=3673)’, this is because in a way this side-fic also works as a sequel to that. 

Thanks of course go to Aurora for all her help and support with this!

\- - -

Excerpt from Chapter 43:

_“I don’t know where to begin,” Severus’ voice was so soft that Remus thought he’d imagined it. He shifted, the sheets crinkling a little as he moved. Severus looked round at the sound of his bedside drawer opening and closing. He blinked at the item Remus pulled out, not quite sure whether to smile or glare as the brown bear was pressed into his arms, Remus shimmying closer towards him and spooning up behind him, arms wrapping about his torso and helping him to hug the bear._

_Severus found he had to swallow past the growing lump in his throat as Remus entwined their fingers, a chaste kiss pressed to the back oh his neck as he settled down to wait, in patience, for however long it would take for Severus to gather the courage he needed in order to confess the details of a past he’d not spoken of before. Not even when he’d woken in post-suicidal panic and fear and spilled his secrets whilst heavily drugged and only half-awake._

_“You know it was my father,” He whispered, a shuddering breath expelling from his lips, arms constricting in their grasp around the bear, hand squeezing that little bit tighter around Remus’ own as he gathered his courage. Then he began to speak._

\- - -

**Part I**

“I- are you sure you want to hear this?” Severus all but whispered, his body tensed and still, a twisting, nauseous feeling taking hold of his stomach and threatening to overwhelm him. Remus pressed another kiss to the back of his neck, tasting the sweat of his salty skin, his very pores oozing fear and trepidation over the dark secrets he was about to reveal about a past he did not want to- even could not wholly- remember. 

The werewolf tightened his arms in a quick squeeze, “I’m listening, Severus. Just take it slow.” 

With a shuddering breath Severus nodded his head as best he could, a few strands of hair tickling Remus’ face at the movement. 

“It was my father who… who hurt me. Who did the… bad things to me. At first I was too young to understand what he was doing. Too young to know that it was wrong. It started with little touches here and there, a kiss that lasted a little too long…” Severus trailed off, his eyes becoming hooded as he lost himself in his words, in finally daring to speak that which he had always condemned himself for, blamed himself for. 

“I can’t remember the first time he did it… the first time he… took me. I only know that my mother must have caught him. I- she, she placed memory charms on me- she made me forget what he was doing. She- she never stopped him,” Severus’ voice caught in his throat but he continued still, his next words barely above a whisper, but so angst filled that it caused even Remus’ eyes to fill with tears of pain and resentment for the life that Severus had had to live. 

“She wouldn’t stop him,” he reaffirmed, “but she wouldn’t let me remember.” Severus’ whole body shook with grief, Remus just held him that little bit tighter- not knowing what else to do, what words he could say to make it all the more bearable for the man in his arms- for what could one say to the man who’s mother had chosen to condone the actions of her husband over the innocence of her only son. A growl threatened make itself known but Remus forcefully swallowed it down. What kind of mother could do something like that? 

Severus sniffled slightly, his body eventually stilling as he tried to get a hold of himself, tried to get himself back together and finish his tale- to get it out his system once and for all. 

“She wasn’t always around though- to make me forget. She didn’t always know when he’d done anything to me- when he’d touched me, taken me. I was too scared to say anything,”

_What goes on in this room stays in this room._

“He’d make me promise. Told me he’d hurt me… hurt my mother…” Severus gave a choked laugh, cynical and pained. “The irony of it. He threatened to hurt my mother! The witch covering up the muggle’s actions,” a hysterical note crept into Severus’ voice, “The filthy bastard! He knew! They were in on it together and, and-,” Severus made an angry noise, pulling his hands free from Remus to grab at his hair, tugging at the thin strands with a whine of resentment that was directed more at himself than at his parents. 

_It’ll be our little secret, Severus. Our little game. You won’t tell anyone about our secret games, will you, Severus? No, of course not. You don’t want your mother to get hurt, do you? No. Good boy, Severus. Good boy._

Remus let loose his growl, moving to wrench Severus’ hands away from his head, the smell of blood reaching his sensitised nostrils as Severus’ nails came away with a light coating of blood from piercing the flesh of his scalp. The dark-haired man’s eyes were wide and glazed as he threw his head back, struggling against the werewolf’s hold with a cry of fear, his body arching as he tried to dislodge the other man’s grasp. 

_No, father, please! …Daddy no!_

“Severus!” Remus’ cry went unheard as he released Severus’ hands to grab at his face, ignoring how Severus began raking at his arms in an attempt to push Remus away. 

“Severus! Look at me, dammit!” 

_Play time, Severus…_

Remus growled again, grabbing at Severus’ wrists once more before moving to strike the man across the face, the _smack_ of pain enough to break him from his memories, from whatever visions he was caught up in. Severus’ whole frame stilled, his body freezing, eyes focussing and turning to look- in shock- at Remus. The werewolf released his wrists, slumping back onto the bed- eyes never for one moment daring to leave Severus as the other man gasped silently for breath, his eyes staring up at the canopy above his bed, before moving his hands to cover his face, to hide himself from the world. 

It was the sound of muffled crying that spurred Remus into action once more, moving to tug at Severus’ hands, to pull them away from his paled yet flushed face, to see the tears once more spilling from his lover’s eyes. 

“Oh, Severus,” Remus breathed, pulling him back into his arms, holding Severus’ head to his shoulder, feeling the wetness of tears sliding down his flesh. Oh how he ached to see Severus- this strong and composed man in all aspects of his life- brought to this… to this snivelling wreck of a man, a wraith to his usual self. _How_? He wanted to ask. _Why_?

“I hate being so weak,” Severus sniffled back more tears, burying his head up into Remus’ neck. 

“You’re not weak, Severus, never weak,” Remus stroked the back of his head tenderly, his very soul hurting to see Severus in this state- so defeated. 

“I was- I _am_ … I… I tried to fight him off,” Severus mumbled, voice muffled slightly, his hot breath beading against Remus’ skin, “At least I think I did- hope I did- from what I do remember. Always tried but never succeeded… and I never told. I never told anyone what he did to me. Especially not my mother. Not even when I was old enough to…”

Remus pulled away a little, moving to look into Severus’ face, though Severus was reluctant to face him. “Old enough?” The werewolf prompted, wiping tenderly at the tear-strewn face.

Severus heaved a shaky sigh, rolling onto his back to avoid Remus’ questioning gaze. “As young as I was, even I knew that blank spots in my memory weren’t normal, weren’t natural. I knew something was missing, was wrong…” 

A shiver wracked his form, a cold sweat breaking out over his body as he remembered. As he remembered the dull aches and pains, the trickle of blood that would seep through his pants if he moved too much- tearing already ripped muscle. He’d go to his mother then, tears of pain in his eyes at not knowing what was wrong, and she’d heal him- just like she’d taken his memories- having spent the next morning brewing the potions he’d need, that would make him all better. She never took these memories from him though, for everything else she had. 

He never went to her when he hadn’t been obliviated- his father’s words about hurting both of them always playing on his mind. Until, when he was old enough to understand the art of potions making- he’d begun to make his own healing potions. Spent his childhood- or what he had of one- bent over cauldrons, forgetting about his life, his memories, his thoughts- learning as much as he could in his escapism. 

He’d stopped going to his mother after a time. Knowing the signs, but lacking the memories. She’d never looked so haunted as when she’d found his stash of healing potions, tears running down her pale face as he- her son- stood watching her from the doorway all pale-faced and drawn, greasy hair falling into his face and a sneer of loathing upon his lips. He never said a word, never called her bluff. But they both knew the truth. She stopped using the memory charms after that and Severus had stopped fighting- withdrawing into himself and encasing himself in his pre-Hogwarts studies of potions and dark arts- fantasising about the day he’d be allowed to have a wand and could try out a few choice spells. 

“Are the memory charms still on you?” Remus’ question broke through the haze of his thoughts. Severus turned to him, searching the other man’s eyes for something before giving a slight jerk of his head. 

“Lucius helped confirm them when he found out.” Severus whispered, closing his eyes as memories of the confrontation played before his mind’s eye. Lucius’ anger and resentment of the man that dared call himself a father, Voldemort’s fury over the muggle that dared defile a wizard, the sudden comprehension over Severus’ initial hesitation to return home over the summer before the acceptance set in, the understanding at Severus’ attempt to end his life and the admiration (and thankfulness both) that he’d never tried before. 

He’d never returned to Spinners End after that- neither Lucius nor Voldemort would allow it, and he had been grateful for it. He hadn’t attended his father’s funeral after the man had been had been the ‘victim of a brutal and unprovoked attack’, his body barely recognisable if Severus were to believe the news reports on the incident- which he did. Voldemort’s flash of crimson eyes and that sadistically lazy smile every time it was mentioned over the wireless told him- without words- who was responsible for Tobias Snape’s demise. 

Neither had he responded to his mother’s missive, years later as she lay dying, alone, in Spinners End, requesting to see her son before the end. He’d burned the letter and let her die alone. He still held the deeds to that house, however. The house that held so many painful memories, so much fear and torture for him, and yet he could not bear to get rid of it. 

Slowly, Severus became aware of roughened finger-pads whipping at his face once more; at the trail of tears he hadn’t been aware of shedding, once again. He turned his head on the pillow, finding Remus staring intently at him, his gaze full of concern and worry. Remus continued stroking his dampened cheeks, and for some reason Severus was glad. 

“Alright?” Remus whispered. Severus closed his eyes, breathing deeply through his nostrils and wincing at the slight twinge such an action caused him. He opened his eyes once more, offering a shaky twitch of lips in reply.

There was a quite between them broken only by their breathing as they lay together, watching each other across the pillows until neither could look no more. Severus was the first to look away, and he cursed himself for it, a blush of shame tinting the already ugly flush on his cheeks. 

Remus slowly made to wrap his arms about Severus, as if expecting the other man to shy away from his touch when in truth, Severus needed it all that much more. With a forced scowl upon his face he tugged Remus closer, positioning the man’s arms around him- turning in the embrace until he was once more back to chest with the werewolf. Remus kissed his shoulder, hot breath ghosting over his shoulder blade as he made up his mind to speak.

“Why did they not lift them?”

“Hmm?” But Severus knew what he wanted to ask. 

“The memory charms? Why did neither Lucius nor the Dark Lord remove them?” 

Severus’ long fingers danced over Remus’ arms, threading through the golden strands of hair littering them. 

“Oh, I- wouldn’t let them.” He could almost feel the werewolf’s frown, his heartbeat escalating once more, a foul taste tainting his mouth. 

“Don’t you want to-,”

“No.” Severus interrupted. 

“But the-,”

“No! I don’t want to know! I don’t to see what he did to me- the memories I have are more than enough!”

“Severus…”

“Don’t, Lupin! Just don’t. I’ve had this same conversation with Lucius and the Dark Lord both- I will not have the blocks on my mind removed!”

“But don’t you-,”

“Remus!” His voice was almost begging now, wanting the werewolf to desist of this notion. 

“No, Severus, No! Listen to me now. Look at how bad you are now- how one memory suppressed over time affects you…”

“And think how bad I’ll be should I have them all! I wouldn’t survive with them, Remus! I couldn’t.” 

“I’ll help you, Severus,” Remus pushed, “I swear it.”

“Stop it, Lupin! Just stop it!” 

Remus tightened his hold on Severus, pressing a kiss to the back of his sweaty neck, feeling the man’s chest heaving beneath his hold. 

“Okay, Severus. It’s okay,” Severus was shaking his head as if in denial, Remus pushed himself up to hover over the other man. 

“It’s not.” Severus whispered, “It’ll never be,” 

Remus shared in Severus’ pain as he bent his head to touch Severus’ mouth with his own, almost tasting the shame and humiliation on his thin lips- the need and the want and the fear and the panic. 

He pulled away slowly, moving upwards and pressing a lingering kiss to Severus’ brow. 

“Go to sleep, Severus,” He whispered, hugging them together once more. He closed his eyes but did not sleep and though he feigned it well he knew that Severus did not either. 

\- - -

**End Part I**   
**To Be Continued…?**   
_A/N: This is the first of three(?) parts and more of a set up to the next two parts- hope ya’ll liked it and will stick around for the next chapter! Please do review!_  
Peace,  
CS WhiteWolf 

\- - -


	2. Part 2/3

** More Than Ever **   
**_A Beyond Redemption Side-Story_ **   
_By CS WhiteWolf_

\- - -

For this Story:

**Rating(s)** : NC-17 Rated.  
 **Pairing(s)** : Remus Lupin/Severus Snape; Mentions of Tobias Snape (father)/Severus Snape (son).  
 **Warning(s)** : Mentions of Solvent Abuse, Trichotillomania, Self-Harm (Scratching), and Sexual Abuse (Rape).

\- - -

**Part II**

 

**T** he leather of the sofa creaked softly beneath his weight as he shifted forward, placing his half-consumed mug of alcohol-laced coffee on the table before him. He rubbed at his temples single-handedly thinking of the papers he’d yet to grade before classes resumed on Monday morning, with it already being half-past eight on the Sunday evening however, Severus was resigning himself to either the fate of a rather late night and a foul mood in the morning, or a relatively early evening and a slightly less foul mood in the morning. 

The sound of feet padding over towards him, had Severus looking upwards, watching with half-lidded eyes as Remus made his way from the bedroom to what had become ‘his side’ of the couch. Severus’ eyes took in the werewolf’s dishevelled appearance, the golden-brown streaked grey hair sticking up all over the place, the flush of sleep still evident upon his cheeks, the hood to his amber-brown eyes, the delicate parting of lips as Remus muffled a yawn. 

“Why didn’t you wake me?” The werewolf asked mellifluously, reaching for Severus’ mug. He sniffed lightly at the liquid, raising his eyebrows at Severus but refraining from comment as he took a light slip, his nose scrunching slightly at the too-strong taste before moving to replace the mug on the table. Severus’ hand snaked out- removing the mug from Remus’ grasp and taking a sip of his coffee. 

Remus sighed softly, shifting onto his side, head rested against the back of the black leather sofa, his eyes- unblinking- watched the dark-haired man before him. The firelight sent contrasting shadows over the contours of his profiled face- the strong brow, the aquiline (if somewhat large) nose, the thin lips that parted briefly to allow the flick of a tongue over the ceramic lip of his mug, catching at a wayward droplet before it had the chance to slip away. 

“You’re going to have to talk about it sometime, Severus.” Remus began, watching the tensing of the man’s jaw; the way Severus’ shoulders straightened that little bit further in defence. 

“How is the boy?” Severus blurted, in a most obvious attempt at changing the subject onto something else. “Was he serious about joining?” 

If Severus were anyone else, Remus may have immediately pressed further, calling bluff on the attempt to change a subject one did not really want changing. With a quieter sigh than the last one he’d emitted, Remus waited until Severus turned to face him before nodding his head in affirmation. 

“Truly?” Severus turned away again, his eyes staring too intently into the flames of the fireplace. 

“Yes. He’d not mentioned it to me until after he’d told Draco, but his words were sincere enough to have him fearing the repercussions for so much as daring to admit it. Unlike you Slytherins there were no nefarious purposes to his words, he wasn’t just trying to worm information out of Draco.” 

Severus nodded just slightly. “That is… good, to hear.” 

“You don’t sound so certain.” Remus nudged. 

“I am not. None of us are. He has yet to meet Lucius and the Dark Lord. Yet to understand completely what becoming a member of the Inner Circle means. Of becoming one of the Dark Lord’s…” 

“Servants?” Remus offered.

Severus scowled, turning to glare at the man beside him. “It’s not like that.”

“No.” Remus agreed, “But you understand what I mean?”

Wetting his lips, Severus nodded, “I do.” 

“You are right, of course.” Severus cocked his head slightly as Remus continued, “He is uneducated in such matters- but with the holidays nigh, he will have the chance to understand better. I gather we are still invited to Malfoy Manor for Christmas dinner?”

“Even more so now that he’s expressed a desire to join.”

Remus pursed his lips as silence fell between them again; he wanted to talk with Severus about what had happened the other night, about his confessions and his vehement determination against having his memories restored, yet he knew that even the slightest hint of their conversation heading in any such direction would have the other man’s back up. 

“You have informed him of course about your holiday plans?” 

Remus nodded, “He’s not quite as worked up over the idea as he is over returning to Grimmauld Place.” 

Severus made a sound of acknowledgement but otherwise gave no other sign of having heard Remus. 

“He told me what you said to him- during his Occlumency lesson, about Sirius,” Severus bristled slightly, swallowing the last of his coffee in one large gulp so as to save himself from answering. Remus continued undeterred. 

“You’ve really consoled him over the whole affair. Severus… he told me what happened before that as well,” 

Remus caught the tensing of Severus’ muscles even through the robes he wore, his hand snapping out to catch at the man’s wrist just seconds after Severus made to stand up and move away. He tugged Severus back down onto the sofa- grabbing his hand tightly and reaching out with his other hand to touch at Severus’ face, ignoring for a moment the flinch he gave at the gesture, before turning it to face him. 

“He’s right though you know,” Remus’ thumb stroked across his cheek, his eyes watching as Severus closed his own, taking a deep breath to control the turmoil of emotions he felt bubbling up within himself. 

“Lupin-,”

“Severus, please? I know Harry’s never had it as bad as you have, not nearly to the same extent, but what abuse he has had he’s learned to live with, to deal with it, tried to hide it like you have, but never for one moment has he let himself become controlled by it,”

Severus’ gaze darkened. “Don’t for one moment think to compare me to him! After what I told you, you should know- you should… what he’s been through pales in comparison to what I have, Lupin. I’m not looking for your pity or your help with this, I’ll deal with my memories on my own, like I always have.” 

He tried to pry his grip from the werewolf’s hand with little luck, he switched his glare to the burning amber eyes glaring back at him in return, “And don’t you try to play the willing victim in all this either! Dammit, Severus, how many times do you need to be told that what happened to you is _not_ your fault? That the only way you’ll learn this is to have all your memories back in place, to know that no matter what they show you they are only memories.”

Remus grabbed at Severus chin, biting back a growl at the resistance he found at the hold. “Severus, you need to think seriously on this,”

“I have, Lupin! And I’ll kindly thank you to let the matter drop now.”

But Remus only shook his head; “Breaking the charms on your mind… it can only help you.” His voice had quietened, his eyes softening as well as they flicked back and forth between Severus’ own. 

“Why are you pushing this?” Severus asked, his words faint and low. His hair had fallen forward to frame his face, to hide himself from Remus’ questioning and persistent gaze. The werewolf swiped his hand up, pushing back the string of hair until he could see his lover’s face once more, until he could lean in and softly press a kiss to the corner of Severus’ mouth only.

“Because I want you to survive this,” He whispered softly, framing Severus’ face with his hands to keep the other man from shaking his head. 

“I want to know that no matter what happens- no matter _what_ \- that you will no longer be so destructive as you are now whenever someone mentions anything to do with your past. I want you to feel better about yourself, Severus. You’re strong and controlled, Severus, you know how to hold yourself in most any situation, you’re a quick thinker, you’re logical… you’re so many things, Severus, so many. I just want you to feel better about yourself, to be able to remember your past as being exactly that- the past. To know that it can no longer affect you as once it did- as it still does now.”

“Can you not let this go?” 

Remus shook his head, “No, Severus, I can’t,” 

“Why not? Why now? You’ve never bothered before.” 

Remus sighed inwardly, biting the inside of his cheek as he composed his words mentally before speaking, “You’ve never trusted me as much as you do now,” He finally replied, but they were not the words he’d wanted to speak. 

“I can’t be healed in a day, Remus… there are just- there’s too much I’ve forgotten, been made to forget.”

“I never thought you could, Severus. I’ll be with you every step of the way, you know I will help you get through this.”

This time when Severus turned his head away, Remus let him go. The silence building between them as Severus lost himself to his thoughts and Remus lost himself in staring at his lover, in mentally pleading with him to see sense on the situation. “Please, Severus,” He whispered. 

“If I do this…” Remus watched the bob of Severus’ Adam’s apple as the man swallowed thickly, forcing the bitter taste of bile away, back down into his somersaulting stomach. He clenched his hands to quell the shake to them as he looked up and forced himself to meet the werewolf’s eyes- openly and honestly. 

“If I do this, I do this for us. For you.” 

Remus let out a shaky breath, his mouth parting in silent shock at Severus’ words, able only to nod wordlessly at the agreement before leaning forward and expressing with a kiss what he could not with his verbal skills.

“I’m trusting you, Remus,” Severus breathed, forehead pressed to the werewolf’s. 

“I know, Severus.”

\- - -

**End Part II**   
**To Be Continued…?**

\- - -


End file.
